Life on the Downside

I'm not sure how I feel about turning 54.  I'm delighted to have made it this far.  I'm grateful for my health, a comfortable marriage and my first grandchild.  All are blessings, but I am at a loss for how to define myself.  With two Master's Degrees, I have taught as a special education teacher and served as an ordained United Methodist Minister.  I've worked in schools, churches and with non-profits.  I have dedicated myself to the poor, the needy and those suffering in the world. After the past 30 years of service and ministry to others, I should look back and be proud of what I've accomplished.  Instead, all I feel is emotionally drained and abandoned by the very church that taught me to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I took my calling seriously. I left my nice cushy job as an associate pastor in a upper middle class church to work with Arlington Urban Ministries - a non-profit agency supported by United Methodist Churches of Arlington, Texas. I left a cozy office with secretarial staff to work in a 700 sq ft space divided into 4 offices, a food bank, and space for volunteers. I also took a $10,000 salary cut. 

 Located in some small, cramped out dated shopping center, the office opened from Monday-Friday noon. Helping the poor seemed like a good thing to do.  People always called churches with tales of lost jobs, illness, divorce or other crisis in need of immediate financial support.  As an associate pastor, my job had been to handle requests for those in crisis.  From putting gas into stranded travelers cars or grabbing a box of groceries, people in need were never turned away.  With these years of experience behind me, I felt that I would do a good job of working with the unemployed, the refugee, the poor and the disenfranchised.  

Nearly 10 years later, I did such a good job of working with these persons that I became one myself.

I am currently unemployed and have no desire to return to helping anyone.  I find myself a refugee of organized religion - I'm liturgically a Catholic and theologically Protestant.  I feel disenfranchised because I am not good at playing the money game - writing grants or schmoozing the rich.  The last non-profit I tried to direct was Parents and Children Together, Inc. I gave so much of myself -including donations and financial contributions-that I find myself  spiritually and physically exhausted with the potential of becoming financially poor.  My personal contributions include my family - tuition, debt reduction, family celebrations and gifts - all 

freely given without thought of the consequences.

I have fallen into this pit of self-pity and self-righteousness about my ministry and generosity.

Climbing out of this pit isn't going to be easy.  Starting over at my age is challenging.  The most difficult part is rediscovering and reclaiming myself as an artist and entrepreneur while regaining my spiritual balance.